blog

Lessons for our Birthday

Mon, 16 Sep 2013 13:22:40 +0100

As we celebrate the 2^nd birthday of Spread A Little Joy, I find myself reflecting on all of the amazing people we have met these past two years, and how much they have changed my life. While also reflecting on the lessons I have learned along the way, I thought I would share a few with you.

Joy for All

“We could all do with a bit more joy in our lives,couldn't we? The wonderful thing is that when we start spreading joy, we actually begin to experience more joy in our own lives too!"-Steve Goodier

When I first started SALJ, I naively thought we would be merely helping others who had suffered like my Mom. Little did I know, granting wishes would end up bringing as much Joy to me, and to our many, many Dreammakers, as it does for the Dreamers. We have heard: “This is the best experience I’ve ever had in my life!” or “If I had known how gratifying this would feel, I would have done it so much sooner.” and “I think this experience has changed my life!” Sounds like quotes from our Dreamers, right? But guess what? They are from our incredible network of Dreammakers, the people who have helped us make dreams come true.
Reaching out, giving your time, your skills, making connections, even donating money towards a particular Dreamer’s wish that touched your heart or moved your soul, and then watching that dream unfold and bring HOPE and JOY into someone’s life changes you. You are helping to create someone’s moment: a moment that will become a part of a family’s history. It is the gift that keeps on giving, for everyone involved.

Everything Changes…Except the person

Sometimes there's just comfort in the ordinary: the old slippers, the robe, the morning routine… so many things.
Learn to appreciate the ordinariness
I sure do with each day. –Joy D. Brown (written by Joy one month before she lost her own battle)

Every Dreamer we meet is in a battle, the battle of their life to be precise. Their families have rallied, their friends, neighbors, and coworkers all step up, ready to ease their burden, help in any way they can and they appreciate it all, probably more than they even know how to express. When someone we care for is sick or hurting, we want to help, to coddle and to protect, and we should. However, we cannot forget that our loved one is still the same friend that we teased yesterday about being too overprotective, or the coworker we take for a beer after work, or the neighbor we sit in the driveway with as our children play.
If you read our FB page, you’ve probably read the thoughts of one of our first Dreamers who said it best, “It’s just a disease, it didn’t steal my identity.” Even though they are sick, weak, or tired, we need to try to remember to still see the person, not the disease. Don’t change the way you relate…if you’ve always called them to hash over last night’s Grey’s Anatomy or to vent about your spouse, children, mother-in-law… continue to do so. Because, while everything else is changing in our Dreamer’s lives, they are still the same person they were yesterday, and that may very well be the only consistency they have right now.

It’s my party and I can cry/laugh/get mad if I want to!

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.-Victor Frankl

When my Mom was sick, I often became frustrated with her reactions. I am a worrier by nature- a typical Type A (is there a type AAA?!) who analyzes, over analyzes, and then reconsiders every possible scenario and outcome. My Mom, on the other hand, had this amazingly positive, ‘when life gives you lemons, not only do you make lemonade, but you throw a party’ attitude! As we went through her diagnosis and subsequent treatments, I was frequently concerned and even impatient with her carefree attitudes. After researching her latest chemo regime, I was worried- shouldn’t she be too? When her appetite waned, I became anxious and encouraged her to eat, while she joked about how she was sexy skinny. I rarely saw her cry and get mad, but even when she did, it was not at the situations in which I would have expected her to be upset. Therefore, I worried about that. After she passed, I realized the attitude that she had her entire life - the upbeat, happy-go-lucky vibe that she kept even during her illness- is probably what kept her going and enjoying life literally up until the very end.
After spending time with Dreamers and their families, I’ve learned this: they need to be able to react however they choose. Don’t feel bad if they aren’t happy, sad, tearful, or mad when you would expect them to be. If they handle the upheavals of their current situation with grace and a smile on their face, but break down in sobbing tears because their McDonald’s French fries are cold, that’s okay. And if they don’t get mad at this nasty disease that has changed their life, but get seriously ticked off when ‘The Bachelor’ is preempted by a baseball game, that’s okay too.

Listen. Really, truly, listen.

“But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin.”
―Mitch Albom

There are stories to tell. Histories to learn. I think this may be one of the most valuable lessons and certainly the easiest to do. Whatever you are doing, stop right now, and have a conversation with your mother, your father, your grandparents, whoever connects you to your past. We are disconnected these days. I can hear you saying, “What? We aren’t disconnected! I haven’t seen you in ten years but I’m reading your post!” Not to sound ancient, but I am talking about in person, face to face, lips moving, heartfelt interaction. Kids and parents today communicate and keep in touch by texting, emails, FB, twitter and now, without words, they use photos to express feelings by SnapChatting! This is all great and a fantastic way to stay in touch in this busy world and honestly, without it, Spread A Little Joy wouldn’t be able to do what we do. But we have lost the art of reminiscing...
Some of my fondest memories are of my grandma telling stories of her childhood as an orphan, how she and her sisters survived the often cruel orphanages at the time, how she and my grandfather met, and her, always entertaining, memories of raising my Mom and Uncles. These are the hidden pieces that make us who we are. The Dreamers we meet have fascinating stories! It doesn’t matter how old or young they are, trust me, they know things you don’t know.
We fulfilled a Dream for a woman who wanted a reunion with a long lost loved one, who was mostly unknown to the rest of her family. We have had dream requests from people that just want us to help them tell their story. Sometimes they don’t know how to express their feelings, or maybe they think their loved ones don’t have the time or interest to sit down and hear all of their memories of days gone by.
Someday, you will wish you knew who those people are in that faded photo your Grandma keeps, who taught your Dad to throw a football with his arm angled just so, why your Mom started calling her brother by a silly nickname that has now stuck for 40 years, or why a certain habit seems to be passed down from one generation to the next. Talk to your family. Another thought…write down or record what they tell you. Priceless.

These are just a few of the gifts I have received from Spreading A Little Joy. I have learned that JOY shared keeps giving back. I’ve learned that it is important to talk to the Dreamers, to hear their thoughts and to understand their feelings about this challenge they are coping with and why their special wish is important to them. And I have learned to look past the illness, to see the person. I cannot wait to see what our next year of SALJ holds. As we grow, I continue to be thankful for our backbone: our Dreammakers, without whom, there would be no Spread A Little Joy. From the bottom of my heart, and from all of us here at Spread A Little Joy, we wish all of you a Happy Birthday! Thank you for letting us be a part of your lives.

Inspiring us to Spread A Little Joy

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 17:15:33 +0100

Metastasized. After the word Cancer, this has to be one of the ugliest words you pray never to hear in your lifetime.

My Mom was diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma on November 9, 2009. She took it as she had every other difficulty she had faced in her life, with a bubbly, smiling, “I have fun things planned! This can’t stop me!” attitude. After all, she wasn’t ill. She didn’t feel bad. Her diagnosis came only after a visit to her chiropractor drew attention to a strange little lump in her neck. My Mom was not sick…

It did not take long for the team of doctors to determine and deliver the terrible blow...it had metastasized. Everywhere. I remember distinctly sitting in the oncologist’s office with my pen and little yellow post-it pad, ready to jot down the results of the latest PET scan after she had undergone chemo. I also remember my Mom sitting there with a big smile, talking about going to eat lunch afterwards, absolutely sure the chemo had done its trick, that her loss of hair, loss of appetite, loss of energy, were all for the greater good.

And then he started talking. It seemed surreal as I slowly realized my post-it pad was not going to hold all of this information. All the areas that this terrible, awful, no-good, very bad disease had not only ceased to retreat, but instead had inexplicably multiplied, were too numerous to list on my itty bitty pad of paper and they rang in my ears like some God awful anatomy lesson. Kidneys! Liver! Bones! Colon! Stomach! I remember looking down at the paper afraid to look up. Afraid that the tears welled up in my eyes would match those of my Aunt, and my Mom, and together we would flood the room with our grief. But I did look up, holding back my tears to appear strong for her sake, only to see that my Mom was not crying. She sat there calmly listening, not even asking any questions, just with a somewhat faraway look on her face. The Doctor finished, looked around at us, and asked if we had any questions, as he said, “I’m sorry.” My mom did not have questions. I had too many to formulate a rational, coherent sentence. As my Mom put her shoes on, ready for her Stroud’s lunch, I followed the Doctor down the hall. What does this mean? We have plans. We have things to do as a family. I’m not finished needing my Mom yet. Stop. Please.

All he could say was Now. If you have things to do with your Mom, do them Now.

I rode home in a state of disbelief that day. Knowing I was powerless to stop whatever evil threat was lurking in my Mom’s body. I could not shake the image of her calm, smiling face. I knew that no matter what, I did not want to lose that picture of her in my head. I wanted to my children to have their Grandma “Bubble” as long as possible.

We decided as a family to make a determined effort to keep her spirits up, to keep that “joyful” smile as long as we possibly could. I asked for her dreams and promised I would make them happen. Looking back, this could have gone terribly wrong…and almost did. After thinking it over, she decided her dreams were to go on a cruise with her family, swim with the dolphins, and to go to an Oprah Show taping. Cruise-done! I knew we could get that put together. Dolphins-done! We could arrange that in a cruise port. But Oprah?! Anyone who is an Oprah fan knows that in that last season of taping it was impossible to get tickets. On the site, there were numerous pleas from fans who had been trying for 10+ years. I emailed, I called every number I could find on their website, but I knew it was a long shot. My Mom, thankfully oblivious to what a task it was to go to the show, would send me emails about upcoming shows. One day in desperation, as I sat on Facebook avoiding the next hurdle, I decided to create a group called, ‘Help get my Mom on the Oprah Show’ as my last ditch, cry for help. I invited every family member and friend I knew, and begged them to invite their friends, as I spelled out exactly what I was trying to do for my Mom. Within hours, there were responses of comfort, compassion, and well wishes. Lynn, an old friend from junior high responded and said she lived in Chicago and knew somebody who knew a producer on Oprah. She would send a message and we would see…

One day, just a few days later I open my email to find a note from Sally Lou Loveman, a producer on Oprah. Through Lynn’s connection (there will never be enough thanks in this world for Lynn), she had heard of our request and said she would love to help. I cried, I screamed, I laughed, I felt relief that I had not felt in such a long time. This was going to happen! My first email from Sally Lou was on March 22, and on April 28, my Mom was on a plane to Chicago. The look on her face as we waited in line at the studio, the huge smile as they put us in the VIP section will remain with me for the rest of my life. At one point, they asked us to stand up and tell the audience the story of how we came to be there. There were tears in many eyes that day and I cannot even tell you the number of women that leaned in to tell my Mom their stories of battling cancer and to wish her well. For that day, for that moment, she was beyond happy and cancer was forgotten as she sat mere yards from Oprah. The audience gift that day was a beautiful bottle of expensive perfume. It seemed perfect and meant to be, since my Mom had been an avid perfume lover and collector her whole life.

We know how this story ends. There is no cure for grief, but there is a coping mechanism, and for me it was trying to recreate the joy on my Mom’s face as she lived out her dreams. Spread A Little Joy was born from the desire to pass along the happy, hopeful moments my Mom got to experience in her last months. I cannot bring her back; I cannot reverse the disease that robbed her of the chance to see my youngest daughter graduate, to meet my brother’s first child, or to see any of her grandchildren get married. However, through Spread A Little Joy, a piece of her joyful, loving spirit lives on in each dream that we fulfill. Thank you for allowing us to share a piece of that with you.

A Thanksgiving to remember

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:45:20 +0100

My Mom passed away on November 20,2010...just a few days before the big family Thanksgiving we had all so meticulously planned for her. Our family loves Thanksgiving. I would say it has been a bigger holiday in our family than even Christmas. My beloved Grandma was a fabulous cook, and did not know a stranger, so you never knew who might show up at a Holmes Thanksgiving dinner. When she passed away in December 2004, our family struggled to keep Thanksgiving alive without our family matriarch. My Mom stepped into the role and started having the dinners at her house while enthusiastically trying to recreate Grandma's famous rolls and stuffing, but it was still a struggle without Grandma and many of us feared it would never be the same. Nevertheless, my Mom was determined, so we continued the traditions and it was just beginning to feel normal again. And then my Mom passed....

Nothing prepares you. Nothing.You can know it is inevitable and you can think you have prepared yourself, but when you lose your parent, your anchor to everything you have ever been in this life, the one person who knew you when...there are no words.

We started Spread A Little Joy because of my Mom. Even after her devastating diagnosis on November 9, 2009, she kept smiling. She was just so happy to be alive, and as we fulfilled the dreams on her list she was like a child in a candy store, so excited and jubilant over every little thing. It was inspiring to watch and somewhat humbling, because the rest of us weren't always so brave.

When I got the call that a dreamer wanted to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with all of her family, my first thought was that I couldn't do this one. Too many painful memories. But then I realized, maybe this was exactly the dream I needed to fulfill, not just for the dreamer and her family, but for me as well. The woman was in her mid sixties and had 28 family members she wanted to be with for Thanksgiving. No one wanted to cook or clean up, understandably they just wanted to spend their day enjoying one another's company. The date of the meal was in limbo as they waited to see if she was well enough to have it on the actual date of Thanksgiving. I received a call on a Sunday night two weeks before Thanksgiving that they needed to move it up-quickly and was there any way we could pull it off in the next couple days?

Luckily, we are surrounded by big hearts and many willing hands, so we were able to get everything together, a full Turkey dinner with all the trimmings, some lovely table settings complete with flowers and candles, and even some willing dishwashers! Walking into that family home and seeing them all gathered around this woman was probably one of the most difficult things I've had to do in a very long time. The age of the woman, the family gathered around her, it could have been my own family and my heart ached that it was not. Don't get me wrong, my heart sang with Joy (pun intended) that we could bring this family together for one last holiday meal, but it was all I could do not to break down in tears as I registered the loss of my own Mom and the Thanksgiving she missed by mere days.

The family called and emailed after their meal to thank us for allowing them to just focus on being together without the worries of planning, cooking and cleaning. I will never forget that day, and I believe my Mom and my Grandma were right there with me, helping us pull it off so quickly and holding my hand as I greeted the family and held back the tears.

As we here at Spread A Little Joy continue to fulfill dreams, I hold my Mom and my Grandma in my heart, and am reminded that those we love will live on, because the very things we loved the most about them are the things we will carry on in our own lives-to love often and well, to show kindness to others, and to appreciate the present moment.

Dreamer Barb Marmet

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 02:09:47 +0100

Spread A Little Joy friends we are asking for your help. We have an opportunity to make an incredible dream come true for a local Mom who has always given so much to our community. Barb Marmet has dedicated her life not only to her family, but to helping many organizations in our town...she is Vice President of Kids Rock-a local group that rewards kids for good deeds, she started a cheer program at Smithville middle school, and she and her husband are proud football boosters, to name just a few. Her husband Bill has also been a member of our local school board.

Barb and Bill have three wonderful children-Chris (proud member of US Air Force), his wife Angela and their baby boy Colby, daughter Angela and her husband Skylar, and their youngest son Cory, a junior in high school. Barb survived a battle with breast cancer five years ago, but it has now returned and she has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. This family has a dream of going on a cruise together and we here at Spread A Little Joy need your help to make that happen! We need airfare and cruise tickets for this family of 8.

If you visit our website www.spreadalittlejoy.org you will see a donation link through paypal. If you prefer to donate by check, send us a message and we will tell you where to send your donation. Spread the word and let's make this dream come true for this family who has always selflessly given to others